Liang's Ramblings

I’ve paid for my hosting annually.

I’ve paid for my domain name annually.

And I didn’t even post a damn shit here.

It’d be a waste right? Since that’s the case, I’ve decided to write some random shit.

Reading back my emo post before this, and how I live all these time…

Made me realised one thing. One very important thing.

Having an SO is no longer the priority in my life.

Rather than thinking how I need to look for a new gf, get married, have kids, settle down and shit like that; I figured that I should appreciate the freedom I have now before another girl decides to knock down the freedom I have. In other words, fate lah kan. That is if there’s any girls interested lah.

Anyway, in the past 3 years, there’s one thing that I’ve achieved after a very long time:

I went for an oversea vacation.

A freaking VACATION

To Japan.

I feel like this is a really big accomplishment for me. I’ve live my life frugally for the pasts years. I’ve worked on my career for the past 11 years. Literally worked my ass off. And it was 2015, with all those post breakup shit, one of my long time high school friend suddenly jio me; “Eh want to go Japan next year? We already book cheap tickets, if you want to join, I will give you our flight date”.

And that’s how I decides to join. Why not, right.

Come 2016, went there, loving Japan so much. And after 2 years, I am going to Japan. AGAIN!

Hahaha.

I am off for a November flight to Osaka. I’ll try to update here as much as I can. Although I believe there’s no reader. Right?

I’ve lived my life awesomely over the pass few months until…

Recently.

I kept stumbling upon my ex-girlfriend.

I didn’t expect much. I didn’t expect a small chat from you.

But do you have to avoid me, run away, avoid the eye contact, as if I am a gangster and you owe me 100 million dollars? We met at the border checkpoint on the way to Brunei, I get off my car to declare my alcohol, and I saw your car. I was about to raise my hand and wanted to say “Hi” to you, but you drove off as if I am going to ask for 100 million from you.

Then there’s another time when I was there at the cafe yumcha with my friends, and there you came in to the same cafe. You walked in, avoid eye contact my looking at the wall and sat at the nearest sit. Wow. That was awkward.

We’ve dated. Even if our break up was shitty, I don’t expect I got a treatment like this. It’s worst then seeing a stranger.

A smile, a nod, or a simple gesture of “I knew you” is enough for me. I don’t expect to mend things, I know you’ve already got a new guy!

Well. That suck. I didn’t know breakup would turn out this shitty.

Again, I wonder do humans react that way if they happen to stumble upon their ex?

And it turns out that she’s already dating since last year. Now that it’s confirmed, I’m somehow glad, and released from this I’m not sure what guilt that I’m feeling.

Wow. I feel different today.

2 more weeks. And it will be the end of 2014. Went through a lot this year.

1. I broke up with my girlfriend. Over a really petty reasoning.

2. I gained weight. I feel unhealthy.

3. I did not do anything to finish up my ACCA.

4. I failed financially. After I broke up, I realised I spent too much money on her and all I got is a break up. Girls.

5. And the break up brings to this; I managed to buy myself PS4. Almost 2 years dating, never I have manage to buy anything for myself by just putting aside my salary.

6. I am transferred to Operations office to do administrative works. Although I was depressed at first, but after a while, it goes OK as I learned a lot. And surprisingly, the support that I expect to get from my then girlfriend, well, she gave me none.

7. Although we are now the past, I still can’t forget about her. When my distanced family asked about her, I just keep quiet or just didn’t answer the question. I wonder why is it so hard for me to say, “We broke up”.

8. And when I am talking about my ex, I write 5 points related to her. Including this one. I guess her part plays quite a significant role in my story after all.

9. Well, I think I need to man up and say we broke up. It’s time for me to look for a new one. Really.

There.

Today… I was curious how she’s doing. I stalked her SNS account. And somehow, I got a hunch.

She might have finally found someone, someone whom she’s could be calling, her significant other.

I don’t know, but somehow my hunch is most of the time correct.

Well. It is coming to 4 months since we broke up, and I am surprised that I still stalked her SNS account. I still look if her car is around at her house. Sometimes I go to food places she loves going, hoping to stumble upon her.

I miss her. But I wanna let her go.

This little conflict in me makes me miserable at times. But I just had no one to talk to.

Sigh.

I do realised this stalking thing have to stop. I tried, but I can’t. I guess until she found one, I couldn’t really moved on.

If my hunch is correct, she’s probably already seeing someone but still unsure whether to go steady or not. And I could guess that if they do go steady, it would end up a marriage very soon.

Well then. Although I might feel very heavy hearted to let things happen like this, but I think this is the best for us.

I believe she deserves someone way better than me.

Just as much as I do.

There are times when I do feel lonely. Very lonely.

There are times when I wanted to know how she’s doing. Is she doing fine?

It sure does takes time to get used to it. But now, I feel pretty much OK without any significant other, or any romantic partner.

I still haven’t said anything to my family, but I think they could’ve guessed it. I was at home not going out for the past 2.5 months.

My phone. Has been really quiet. There’s no text from ANYONE at all. I realised that I really did put too much effort and time to my ex, until my friends are all… kind of, gone?

Well. I’ve cried enough. I’ve hidden myself enough. I’ve grieved enough. Shouldn’t I be giving myself a chance to grow up and enjoy having a single life?

Life isn’t that bad if you enjoy what you’re doing. By yourself. You see, I put my happiness on the hand of my partner, and relied everything on her. Now that she’s gone, she took away my happiness too. It was a hard lesson, but this made me realised one thing:

“You have to be happy by yourself. Your foundation of happiness should be yourself. Don’t place your happiness in the hand of your relationship because a relationship can never be the foundation of a happy person. You yourself is.”

Which is why they say you have to love yourself before you can love others. I finally understands it.

Feels like writing. Random ramblings.

I’m now surfing the web at Starbucks. Looking at the bunch of people sitting together, talking, laughing around. Reminds me of the time when I was once like that. I had a group of friends like that.

But now. I just realised that all my friends… are gone? Maybe they’re just busy with their life. Just like how I was busy with my dating life.

While I was busy dating, building relationship, devoting my time to my relationship, I realised that I have sacrificed so much time to ensure my relationship is doing well. I cut down my time with family, I cut down my time with friends, I worked hard.

Things still happen.

I guess the timing isn’t right.

Denial, anger, frustration. Every thing mixed up for the past week.

But I think it is time for acceptance.

I’ve tried. I’ve put my effort. I did all I could.

As much as I still love her, there’s no turning back for me. There’s no way I could turn back time to undo what I’ve said.

I was confused when I made the decision. I was angry when I made the decision. I didn’t think thoroughly when I made decision.

But in the end I still make the decision. To break it off.

It only proves one thing. I wasn’t fighting hard enough for the relationship after all. Maybe it wasn’t really her fault, but it was mostly mine. Why can’t I wait? Why can’t I be patience? Why can’t I wait for “cooling period” for her to forgive me? Why wouldn’t I be more positive during the “cooling period”? Now that when I put myself to her shoe, I realised that I wasn’t fighting hard enough after all.

It’s too late to regret what I’ve said.

I will accept my mistake. I will not regret on the break up. I will move on.

I am very thankful for her, for the first love I have experienced. When I first met her, when I first get to know her, when I first decided to go for her, it was always on my mind that I wanna grow old with her. But things happens in the middle of our journey. I couldn’t accept what she have done, she couldn’t accept what I’ve done. And suddenly all the compatibility issues and trust issues just pop up. The problem was too much for me to handle. Giving in and apologizing was probably easy for me, but I realised it was probably isn’t easy for her since she’s had bad experience in her previous relationship. If I would just waited and trusted her that she can forgive me, things like this wouldn’t happen.

Well. Everything here is just a big IF. No use for me to meddle over issues with IF. I must accept and I must move on.

Good luck to me. And my first love, good luck to you too.

All of a sudden, I just broke down and cried a good one hour. One freaking hour, for goodness sake.

Well. I tried not looking at her profile. But I couldn’t. I wonder what she’s thinking about. Is she mad at me? Is she relieved that we’ve broken up? Is she thinking about me? I don’t know. I’m curious. And all of a sudden, I miss her.

I am gonna deactivated my Facebook for a while. I try not to look at social media for ONE month. Keep everything to myself, be alone for a while, and let me grief for the loss of my relationship.

Goodbye world. For a month. And I’ll see if anything changes.

Sometimes I wish you could just say something. Reply my text. Anything would do. But I was totally ignored. It was my birthday and I was waiting for you to call me, or to text me, but no. To wish me Happy Birthday. But all I got is Nothing. I am disappointed. Very, very disappointed.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something…

I’m giving up.